brushfire fairytales

itchy D:

i was taking meds the doc prescribed a few days ago and i developed a rash. its still here. this is day four. i’m so fucked. i have to wait till tomorrow after classes to go to urgent care at Kaiser and see wsup. i hope its caused by the medication. its not a food allergy — if it were, it’d be gone by now.

its the lupus. i’m pretty sure about it. the last time i went to the doc’s, they said it was minor. it was easily controlled. but i feel like its spiralingoutof control. does that make sense? i took the meds and instead of containing the disease, i’ve broken out in a full body rash. in the the first day it was just my back. for the past two days it was my back and my stomach and my shoulders. beginning last night and today, its on my face and arms. what do i do now? go to the docs and have them tell me i’m fucked and i gotta live with this shit? yea. like i have any other choice. oh wells. gotta deal with it right? there arent any other options.

but last night was great. it made me so fucking happy. college-girl came back and we finally had a few moments to ourselves to talk and js chill. i didn’t really have any ground-breaking news for her — i just needed to talk to my best friend. i gottearytalking to her — i was two seconds away from actually crying — and i never tear up or cry around anyone.

i don’t use the label “best friend” very often. i think people throw it around like nothing. people always say “oh yea, she used to be my best friend in like third grade.” i don’t think best friends just disappear like that. if you were really best friends, shit can’t get between you. you will always be best friends. i know college-girl feels the same way about that label. yesterday, i asked college-girl to be my best friend. i really fucking missed her and i really fucking love her. and not the oh, yea… she’s my friend-kinda love. it was sincere and i can feel it in my bones.

she accepted. :)

it makes me tingly inside. and warm. and mushy. its a lovely feeling and i feel like everythings soooo good right now — i can beat this stupid rash. fuck it. i’ma beast.

Leave Note / Reblog
problems me personal college-girl happy as fuck

preoccupied.

i have something on my mind. its gotten to me so bad, i dont think i’ve spent one day sitting here and actually paying attention to tumblr. i know that sounds weird, but i almost always have time to skim through tumblr. always. and lately, holy fuck. this is my first time back in DAYS. days is a long time. not that i’m addicted or anything, but usually i update a lil every once in awhile.

anyways. pokemon is seriously eating away at me. her and the idea of her. both of it. i was talking to my Big Bro the other day (he’s not actually my big bro. i js call him that cuz he’s fuckin awesome) and i told him that i keep warning her and keep getting everyone else to warn her as well — dont fall for me. Like seriously. DONT DO IT. i break hearts. i do, and i can’t help it. for some reason i always stop a relationship before it goes anywhere. ALWAYS. every guy thats ever asked me out has gotten a confrontation where i sit there and i’m like “i’m sorry but i dont think this is going to work out.”

and Big Bro looks me straight in the eye and he goes “maybe you’re just saying that because YOU dont want to fall.” i almost died. i mean, i know we have deep ass conversations but DAMN that was hella deep. and the sad truth is i think i am projecting that feeling.

i dont want to fall. i dont want to be tied up in a commitment. i dont want to be dependent. i dont want to turn into one of those sappy ass possessive/obsessive girls and i dont want my girl or guy to be that way over me. i want my freedom. i want to choice to go out with anyone i want and not feel obligated to be telling someone where i am and what i’m doing. i dont want to have to say no to hanging out with someone. i want to do my own shit without anything holding me back and there is no way in hell that’s going to happen if i am in a relationship.

the sad thing though? i think i am falling. she left this monday back to school, and the feeling kinda hit me in the chest once i got home. i was like “oh shit, i miss her.” DUDE. ive only been seeing her for what? two weeks? and i’m falling hard. like real hard. like… wow. hard. seriously. i mean, i’m to the point where i’m calling her “silly” or “silly goose”. i know that doesnt seem like much to you, but those are the ONLY names i refrain from callinganyone. those pet names mean a lot. and i find myself just blabbing them out without thinking. i can’t help it.

and this falling thing? its scaring the hell outta me. what the hell am i gonna do? i havent even decided whether i like her or the idea of having her. i mean, hell yea i like the idea of having her with me. i do :) its a nice mushy feeling in the pit of my stomach. but do i like her as a person? her personality, her actions, her decisions? i dont know. i mean, i guess i do in a way but i have to admit a lot of what i feel is just lust. hormones. and i can’t keep this going if i know that in the long run its going to make us both miserable. i can’t keep leading her on if i can’t even decide if i likeheras a person instead of just enjoying her company. that’s unfair.

i’ve decided i’m going to take this day by day. i’m going to let it sit in the pit of my gut and just soak. until i figure it out — with finality — what i want, it’s just going to sit here. i enjoy hanging out with her and kissing her and talking to her but can i honestly say that i can picture the two of us at the end of the summer or even the end of june? no. i cannot. i can’t see that far into the future. do i want to be able to picture a future? not really. i’d rather just experience it. i’d rather go with the motion of the ocean and see where this goes.

am i worried about this? hell yes.
am i ever going to stop worrying about this? hell no.
but do i like her? yes.
does she like me? yes.
so now what? i have no clue.

2 notes
Leave Note / Reblog
me personal preoccupied pokemon big brother

good advice.

i told College-girl i may actually be falling. she reminded me that i have to make sure that i’m actually falling for the girl instead of just loving the feeling of havingagirl.

its a good thing to think about. i can’t decide which one it is. i mean, i like her… but am i just in love with the prospect of having someone new? or do i really want to be around her all the time? theres a big difference between the two options yet i still cant differentiate between which one i’m feeling.

lovely.

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me personal advice college-girl pokemon